A LIGHTNING BOLT!

On a recent train journey, as per my old habit, i was flipping through the pages of my favourite magazine "HEALTH"(may 2009 edition). Amongst dozing people, shrieking children, smelling toilets I was unable to concentrate enough to read any article thoroughly but a feature caught my fancy at once. No sooner I had raced my eyes on the brief, I sprang up, sat straight & devoured the article word by word in rapt attention. It was a very sad account of a young boy's medical condition titled "An organic bond" under a regular feature SLICE OF LIFE. It left me shaken , all stirred - moved & very nervous, it accounted a story very similar to mine , well, it was my story with a different protagonist & i connected immediately. Ever since, I'M not the same person cheerful & happy, their on I am tensed, scared & emotionally shaken. It stirred in me a thousand storms,worse then a brewing hurricane, the fears I had pushed back for an entire year were gaping at me wide eyed once again and I felt helpless -plain & simple helpless. What makes it worse is that even if I stop thinking about my end, the lives beyond it are far more important to me & just not leaving me at peace. All said & done, I AM A MOM, have two kids under the age of 7 years and god decided on me to play this dirty joke, what wrong did I do? I can bear all the pain & believe you me its worse than labour pains, I regularly follow my checkups, I am solely responsible for my medication coz i know my responsibilities but in my hearts of heart , I know, its taking over me thus, the fear & tensions are too much to cope with, I am failing to handle the dark looming fear always lurking at the back of my mind. I am at my pretentious best to the world but my strength is caving in. I am actually living the famous quote by Dr. Ray Strand......LIVING SHORT & DYING TOO LONG. The anticipation of the worst will kill me before the disease does. I feel so lonely. I yearn to talk to people who mattered to me but they all are too engrossed in their own lives and i hate it when they fleetingly ask, "hows Ur health?"coz despite of knowing the condition factually, they indulge in wordly courtesies & it simply gets to me. I don't know how long to go but i definitely know I hate the pace.Destiny has never favoured me, whenever i need it most like some drooling slut, it goes & sleep with people who are better off even without it.I am scared, very scared . I deserve to give my kids unhindered childhood without being orphaned ,they deserve to be reared by a healthy & brave mom. God are you out their somewhere??Stop taking my exam, I'm failing it already.